How do we learn and grow? How do we forgive in the face of hurt and anger? I’ve learned we need to dig deeper and accept some things as lessons in life rather than hold them in as anger and hostility. There are two great teachers in my life: my former stepfather and a Debbie Downer mom in the kids’ club.
One day while listening to Dr. Wayne Dyer’s podcast, I hear a mother call about trying to get her daughter to be more spiritual, like she is. The daughter wants no part of it. In fact, she points out all of the flaws in her mother’s argument about being spiritual and meditating. Dr. Dyer says (I’m paraphrasing) “our harshest critics can be our greatest teachers.” The wheels started turning. I have many great teachers and this is what they have taught me.
The Stepfather
Boom! Crack! “Stupid!” “Useless!” A slap across the face for not rinsing a dish properly, ripped out of bed in the middle of the night because the garbage wasn’t taken out. These were common sounds and actions in my childhood household.
He never hugged me. He never said a kind word. He was always critical and hurtful, and mostly over things that didn’t matter.
I have spent most of my thirty-six years hating my stepfather. No matter how many times I heard that forgiveness would bring me peace, I just couldn’t embrace it, not really. I could go through the motions and pretend but it was never organic.
What I’ve learned from him: I hug my daughter all the time. I praise her, even when she fails I encourage her to continue to try to succeed. I let go of the little stuff and teach her to do the same.
The Mother Complainer
There is an extracurricular group that my daughter is in that she just loves. Overall, it’s a lot of fun and full of growth experiences but there is this one parent who complains constantly about things that are outside of the group’s control and in the long run don’t really matter. She whines about fairness, gossips and complains to promote herself socially.
At every event, this mom lays into the people running the event. It’s always something.
“Why didn’t you get carrot sticks? Celery is gross.”
“Did you hear about Stacy’s divorce?!”
“I’m going to call your boss because this just isn’t fair.”
Everyone dreaded seeing her. The efforts of all of these organizers go unappreciated and I saw the weight of this woman’s negative aura weighing down on them as she enters the room.
It seems the only way she knows how to connect with others is via complaining and gossiping. She doesn’t know that love is the only way to really connect and bond with people so she follows what she was taught, to be a complainer.
What I’ve learned from her: I have found that I can deflect her negativity by asking questions. I can refocus her energy through positivity and love. When people’s negativity is met with kindness and love, they tend to drop the conversation and move their negative energy away from you or they join the new conversation. Both bring a positive energy to the relationship.
“How would you plan it?”
“Why don’t you volunteer for the food committee? It seems you have a grasp on what is needed.”
“No, Stacy’s divorce isn’t any of my business but did you see the dress she wore? It’s lovely, isn’t it?”
Next time there is a Debbie or Donnie Downer pouring their negativity on you, smile and remember, this interaction is one from the universe and therefore it is being sent in love and holds a valuable lesson. These are the people who are your greatest teachers.
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