“Kill them with kindness,” is the advice every grandmother gave their grandchild when the child says they are being teased or bullied. Another favorite is “you get more bees with honey than vinegar.” While both phrases are useful in their own way, in society today, being cruel or responding with angry seems to put fear in people and helps manipulate outcomes.

Yes, anger is manipulative. When people respond with anger, it is a tool they are using to get their own way. The people around them will ease up or back down to stop a dramatic scene out of fear or a sense of peacekeeping.

What happens, though, when you respond with kindness?

For example, a few months back, there was a parent who had a meltdown (yes, full blown yelling and screaming) because we asked for help with the yearly fundraiser. She yelled and complained and no matter how many times I said, “we don’t expect you to sell a certain amount, we just expect you to make an effort because you signed up.” When her attitude didn’t change, I walked away.

A week later it was still bothering me. I thought about confronting the woman about her attitude and irresponsibility but then I remembered two things: 1.) Wayne Dyer said to ask yourself ‘will this bring me peace?’ If the answer is ‘no’, then don’t do it and 2.) I don’t know what else is going on in her life that could be causing her pain. I felt my anger dissipate and my heart soften.

By the time I saw the parent that night at the meeting, I was at peace with what had happened and decided to let it go. The parent came in with a scowl on her face. I responded with a heartfelt smile. She approached me as I greeted her and asked how she was doing. Her face showed surprise. She clearly was expecting a fight. She told me she was ok. I asked how the kids were and she blurted out “I lost my job and my husband was recently laid off. We are struggling. I’m sorry I snapped at you last week but asking people for money for something like better technology at school seems ridiculous.”

I hugged her and we talked more about their struggles. By the end of the meeting, we had made plans to go over her resume the next day. She thanked me profusely and I knew that if I had responded differently if I had carried the anger to that day, she still would have been hurting and angry and so would I. Instead, I responded with kindness and we both grew and made a positive change in both our relationship and the well-being of her and her family.

Six months later was the next fundraiser. The woman had a job that she loved and was not only working on the fundraiser but also chairing it. Her attitude changed because her circumstances changed.

Next time someone seems to be picking a fight with you or is just rude or angry, try responding with kindness. You don’t know what else they are struggling with. Think about it, when you are struggling and take it out on others, which, even happens to positive chicks sometimes, you will want a little kindness and understanding too. Try responding with kindness, you may be surprised by the outcome

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