“Now listen you trailer trash tramp, I want my salad and I want it now!” A middle-aged male customer who was educated and successful in business was yelling at me in the middle of the restaurant I worked at when I was twenty-four years old. Yes, he was really yelling about salad. He did not care that I was the person working all thirty of the tables in the restaurant. I, being young and sensitive, cried my eyes out while he yelled at me and customers merely stared. It was a very bad day that I held with me for a long time.
Angry and aggressive people can make any situation uncomfortable. The key is to find a way to get the information they are trying to give you without feeling the heaviness that they are spewing at you.
- Remember their anger is not really about you
According to psychologist, Dr. Ryan Martin, people can become angry at situations that wouldn’t trigger the same response for most people because it is an inherent personality trait. No, that doesn’t mean that they can’t control it but it does mean that some people immediately go to anger rather than rationally thinking things through first. It is truly not about you. Remember to have compassion for these people. They were likely taught that anger will get them their way when they were young.
- Don’t offer advice, just listen
Many times people who erupt are really venting about intrapersonal problems. They really just need someone to listen with a sympathetic ear. Most of the time, people venting are just looking for a release, not for you to fix their problems. Next time someone blows up, listen to the context of the comments, not the tone.
- Keep cool and calm
Yelling back at an angry person will only escalate the situation. Quietly wait as the person finishes speaking. Then come up with a way to either help them calm down or to get away from the situation. If need be, tell the person you have an appointment, walk away and take the time to calm down yourself before going back to deal with the situation.
- Stop, breathe then speak
Take a deep breath, think about how to respond and then quietly, (yes, a soft voice will help defuse the situation), and respond kindly and with love. Starting with something like “I understand why you are upset,” or “let’s see if we can work this out together” to help the person see you are an ally, not an enemy.
- Demand respect no matter what
It’s never okay for someone to belittle you or make personal attacks. If someone begins to attack you verbally, tell the person that this behavior is unacceptable. If it worsens or continues, walk away. I have told people in the past, “if you don’t treat me with respect, I’m leaving.” If this is a problem in the workplace, bring the problem to a supervisor. If the problem is with a supervisor, find a new job.
When you have to deal with an angry or aggressive person, remember to respond with love and kindness and to demand respect. It is never okay to be put down, especially if you are reacting with compassion. Remember to think before speaking and to seek help when needed and most importantly, stay a happy, healthy Positive Chick!
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